I Left Teaching Mid Year- Was it Worth It? (Yes)

In January of this year, I quit my teaching job and moved on to rebuild the life I want with the happiness I deserve. I just wanted to share my story with you. If you are in a toxic workplace or do not have the passion for your career, leave. It will be hard, but you will find your way and land on your feet.

The details of my teaching journey are definitely for another post, but they are what pushed me to make the decision to leave teaching in a classroom. I graduated with my Master’s of Music Performance, and after I graduated and got married in the same summer, I immediately began to look for teaching jobs. I quickly landed a job split between two schools, one general music K-8 and the other was beginning band to high school. I worked with great administrators and principals, but decided to look for other jobs. I left on good terms with both schools, and have pretty great memories. It was such a confidence boost, and the support I felt left me feeling like an accomplished teacher with a bright future ahead. The schools were private and I was worried about the financial stability, especially because of the pandemic having closed down the parishes which funded the school. Even though the administration and students were amazing, I worried about the longevity. It was a hard decision to leave, but that’s what I decided on. I eventually landed a job at another school with a larger population and it was my dream job! It was back in my hometown with all of my connections, it was a large school with tons of potential, and I could make the program my own and build it up. I was so excited for this new job.

Unfortunately, this particular school and I were not a match. The students were great. To keep the post to the point, I made the gut wrenching decision to resign after Winter Break. It wasn’t the work, the students, or the parents. It was administration. My first post observation meeting was an absolute nightmare. My principal gave me the worst review I had ever received

I was extremely sick in November, allergic reaction to antibiotics that led to multiple ER visits due to anaphylaxis. I missed about a week of school because I was in the ER for 5 days. They were upset that I was gone for a whole week plus the 2 days I had missed with strep throat (which is why I needed the antibiotics that led to the reaction). I understand their frustration, I totally do. Having to pay for a sub and not knowing if they could depend on me, I get it. I understand their frustration. The last thing I wanted was to be at this great school and come across as unreliable and flaky. I have NEVER had an issue like this. I have always gone above and beyond in my work and received glowing recommendations from professors and colleagues. I don’t do things poorly, and I worried about my future at this school, which is why I shared all my medical records, not a generic “Sara was seen in my office today. Signed, Doctor”. Like the whole record, diagnosis, treatment, EVERYTHING! I wanted them to see that the situation was serious and had serious complications. I wanted them to see it from the doctor, not just from me. I also provided recorded video lessons with detailed instructions on Canvas telling them how to complete their classwork. I was available during class time for virtual help. They just had to log into Zoom and I would answer their questions. I didn’t just leave the students and the sub high and dry. The subs and I emailed back and forth, they had all my contact info, I did everything I could. I was available and working longer hours than before, all while in and out of the ER.

The week I returned we had our observation and post observation meeting, and to be honest, I was feeling GREAT! I was prepared, this was a lesson I was experienced in and it had always ended up amazing. I was confident I was going to wow my principal and show him what a great teacher I was and that I could grow this music program! The students nailed the lesson. I decided to have the students start ukuleles, and the goal was to get this 7th grade class to learn 3 different chords, and learn to play a 3 chord progression ON THEIR FIRST DAY! Which they did, and I knew they could. I took a class of the “worst kids” (I loved them, his words at the beginning of the school year), put instruments in their hands for the first time ever and had them making MUSIC! It was amazing and exhilarating. I literally shouted for joy when one student got it after struggling. I was so proud. The kids were smiling and having fun, asked great questions, they were focused and responsive. I have a silent hand signal for my classes, it’s just the cut off signal conductors give, super effective and easy, I don’t need to shout. They were amazing at quieting down, maybe 5 seconds max for them to all be quiet? Then they were super engaged and quiet. It was great. They were great.

We eventually forgot he was in the background and I was just so immersed in their learning, that when one of the “bad” (his words) students was brave enough to try in front of the class, I shouted and cheered when they succeeded! (The principal DID NOT like this student) The other students were encouraging each other, and when this one particular student finally got it, they were all happy for him. He smiled so hard his eyes disappeared because his cheeks were so full from his smile. It was so great. And of course the students succeeded in the plan and accomplished their goal. All of them. Two times when I was talking a student strummed the strings. Twice, in 45 minutes. Have you ever taught middle school band? Give a middle schooler an instrument and only get interrupted twice by a rogue instrument sound? MIRACLE. And my thought is don’t give notice to attention seeking behaviors, because that only makes it worse. (Unless someone is unsafe or the behavior continues. You’re teachers, you know). I was so happy that day. They did a great job. I felt so validated. It’s one of those things that you KNOW you nailed it.

My admin had no interest in ever giving me constructive feedback. He knew that he wanted to hurt me and get back at me for causing extra work on his end when I was in the hospital. I walked into his office with a smile and he laughed at me and said, “You know, out of all my years doing this no one has ever tried to pull whatever it was that you did in there. For real? You thought you could pull one over on me? Come on! What do you think I am? You are the most ingenuine and fake teacher I ever met. You are so rehearsed, it was so painful to sit through your class.” Woah. But then it continued. He spent 45 minutes degrading my character based on the things he observed on the classroom. He was so adept at peppering in the insults with things that could have gone better. “You have no expectations for your students. It is so clear by the disrespect that you allow in this class that you will never succeed. How do you think you will ever be in charge with the DISRESPECT you allow. We have standards and expectations for our teachers, and you clearly don’t have any.” First of all, so many problems with that. I do not command my students and expect them to obey. The principal and I clearly have different ideas on how to interact with students. Honestly it went on and on. He made fun of my looks, my character, content knowledge (I modified a chord for a student that was missing fingers because she physically could not create the chord- there is ONLY 1 WAY TO MAKE A CHORD- according to him, because he played a little guitar in college, so he KNEW how chords are made), insulted me every which way trying to get me to break.

My written review was so different from the verbal conversation we had, and I was so busy trying to hold back tears and focus on writing how I could be better that I wasn’t even processing that he was being a bully and tearing me down as payback for being “soooooo sick” because “nobody can be that sick, come on.” (Even though I shared all of my medical documents with all of m y personal medical history.) I left his office 15 minutes late for my next class because he just had to keep ripping me a new one. I never cried, and I think he wanted me to because his insults and comments kept getting worse as the meeting went on. He wanted to hurt me. There are just some conversations that you can tell people want to hurt you, and they will keep trying until they succeed. He wouldn’t let me leave even though I had a classroom of students waiting for me. I was just too focused on learning about what I did wrong that I wasn’t paying attention to his tactics. I have never had anybody treat me like that in my life before. I have never been spoken to like that. I take pride in my work and I was successful. I have always taken constructive criticism from all my superiors and improved myself. I would have happily incorporated any changes he wanted to see. I know I would have because I always do. Bosses, professors, any one that advises me I have taken their advice and improved my performance. Why wouldn’t I want to be better? But instead, he chose to tear me down. I was so crushed and questioning how I was so wrong in what had actually happened that day.

I lost all confidence in myself in that moment. He really succeeded in making me believe that I was the worst thing to happen to that school. In the 30 seconds it took me to walk from his office to the auditorium where my students were waiting, for me to start recording our virtual concert. I had the chance to absorb and process, and I felt like a failure. That class with my high school students we were recording their virtual concert. There were so many other times that he went behind my back to keep the music program from thriving

So, he succeeded in making me feel like not only had I failed the observation, but that I was a failure to my students and the school, but that I was inherently a failure. He really got me. I was promised the ability to grow and create, and when I arrived, I was left with broken promises and ice cold communication. After that observation he completely broke me. I was going so hard to prepare lessons, teaching virtually from parking lots of doctor’s offices, being available during class time when I wasn’t in the ER but home sick, I was doing everything I could. Every day, or every other day, I spent time sending an email to the parents of student that went above and beyond and did really great. Academic success, great character, anything. I especially focused on praising the “bad” kids. The parents would CC him on reply emails thanking me for the kind words about their kid. They only ever received negative correspondence, and here I was thanking a “bad” kid for being nice and helpful. And of course that student came in the next time and was just beaming head to toe looking to help me in any way. And that’s what my principal saw, someone with a completely different mind frame and using only positive reinforcement, and he saw a classroom that was thriving, and it ate him up to see how much the students and I respected each other. He never got that. Every one was afraid of him. He and I could not have been on more polar opposite ends of the character spectrum. I learned all these positive techniques from a prior principal, who is one of my favorite people ever. After my post observation meeting, I had continuous panic attacks, every morning and evening. I cried constantly, wondering what I could do differently. I truly believed that I was such a failure and that I was doing harm to my students. I worked so hard to achieve this perfection that it caused me so much harm. I could not succeed there as long as he was in charge. There were so many times that he went behind my back to keep the music department from getting any recognition. It was so clear he did not want it.

I am by no means a perfect person, nor was I a perfect teacher. I still had so much to learn, but there was a lot that I did do correctly; and I know it with every fiber of my being. I ended up quitting that school before we came back from winter break. I looked for about a month to find something else, and no one was hiring. I did find a job in a warehouse, so I took that for the time being. I quit two days before the students returned. I wanted to quit earlier, but I couldn’t find anything. I ended up leaving that job and now I am self employed and the happiest I have ever been.

I make the same money as I did before, and work about half the hours. I get to work on being the person I want to be. I get to create music now, practice, work on my own projects. I am slowly ticking things off my to do list and adding on more projects. I get to be helpful to my parents, I get to be a better partner. I get to focus on my interactions with people, I get to be more charitable. I am no longer in my head thinking about me, me, me, what I need to do, how to make the perfect lesson plan, no more panic attacks on Sunday evenings. I get to really engage with others. I am just happy.

It has taken me 6 months to get to the point where I get to build myself back up, where I get to say, I will never allow myself to be treated like that again, I will never be a part of any institution or have any connection to people that go against my core beliefs or hurt other people. I will never allow anyone to question my expertise or methods in that manner again. I will not put my health in jeopardy to prove that I am enough. I am enough. I have always poured my heart and soul into being successful. I am using this period of time to focus on my real goals, and building myself back up. I am currently working for a music studio, developing classes and teaching again. It feels so good. I am working on developing my confidence.

I have gained so much during this time. There is a certain persona you are pressured into maintaining when you are any school teacher, but more so when you are a Catholic school teacher. You have to be guarded in sharing your political beliefs. My whole school was traditional Catholic and most parents and admin were avid Trump supporters. Knowing that I fully support BLM, LGBTQ+, and other topics that are politically aligned with the left probably did not do anything to help my relations with that school, but my LGBTQ+ students and students of color were happy to hear that they could feel safe around me. I wasn’t going to judge them or ask them to only speak in English or judge their language in non academic settings. I mean, no swear words. That still is a rule. I get to openly hold my beliefs instead of hiding my beliefs in fear of retaliation. This environment was not safe, it was very hostile towards minority students and administration fostered that environment. I can be who I want to now. I can embrace all of my feelings and desires without guilt for not being a “pure” influence. The pressure to be perfect outside of the classroom is suffocating. Like the most naughty thing teachers get to do is joke about drinking. I have been there and done that, and it is not good for me. I can’t describe the unwritten pressure to be a perfect citizen while being a teacher. And that’s not what education needs. We need loud mouths with colored hair to stand up to the unrealistic demands of admin and society and make teaching a better career. Now I can speak up for issues when I want. I have my voice back, and that has has taken 6 long months. I am slowly learning that I am a person with value outside of my career, and that I should be confident in sharing myself with the world.

There is a sense of guilt and defeat that I feel everyday thinking about leaving in the middle of the school year. I let my kids down. I made all these great connections and really earned their trust, and then I left without even saying goodbye. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for prioritizing my happiness and health over this job that was toxic af. I feel like I failed. I had so much going for me, I have a Master’s, I had a great year previously where I achieved amazing results in both of my schools, not perfect, and there were moment that I could have been better, but I achieved so much. And I just gave up. I walked away. I let my principal dictate my narrative, I let him tell me who I was instead of sticking up for myself and the music program. I was focused on being better, not realizing what he was trying to do. I let him win. I don’t know where or when I lost my spit and vinegar, but I am on a mission to get it back. I will never again allow someone to tear me down, I will stand up for myself and my beliefs even if it is uncomfortable and my voice cracks. I need to if I want to make a difference in this world. I let him win, and I let him win a lot more than just one day. I let him and his words take so much from me. But even though I have been reduced to a fraction of a person, I get to build myself up again anew with intention and purpose. I get to choose who I am. I get to fill myself with courage, morals, happiness, control, confidence, goodness, compassion, anything I want. I get to emerge with conscious choice to be who I want to be now. In losing what I thought was everything allows me the choice to follow any path I want and be any person I want to be. I get to decide what my boundaries are and how I will deal with difficult situations from now on. I get to control how people talk to me, I get to choose everything, and that is exhilarating. I get to be that phoenix rising with all the knowledge from past experiences to live and be better, so that is exactly what I will do. I get to choose everything now. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years that moment will be a blessing in disguise. Well, actually, I know it was, because I get to choose what happens now, and I am choosing all blessings from now on.